for you are not forsaken
i will stand by your side
for as long as life will let me
i need you by my side
i long for you to hold me
my body aches from the silence
and the hollow bits of my being slowly heal with your words
i am forever grateful for your existance
please don’t desert me
I have decided that i am going to try to put in words what an amazing human being you are and how much you have come to mean to me this past month, not only because it’s your birthday but because i think you deserve it. My first impression of you was what a sophisticated person you were and how well spoken you were. The more we got to know each other the more we discovered our shared weirdness and how much we have in common. I got to know the real you which apparently was something not that many people had before. I then decided to give you a chance and you got to know me more than anyone ever has. I admire the way you think and your incredible brain. I admire you for opening up to me even though you had been hurt and betrayed just a few months ago. Thank you for everything you have said and done for me, for every time you have cheered me up when i was sad or upset, thank you for always being there when i needed you and thank you for giving me so much of your time and effort. Thank you for always being yourself and for being so honest. Thank you for not holding back. You are the kindest and most honest person i have ever met and you are the most awesomest person to ever exist on the planet. I wish you could understand how much you actually mean to me and how much i owe you for everything you have done. You mean more to me now than i ever thought was possible. It is really hard for me to put my thoughts into proper sentences that actually explains what i mean but i hope you understand. Happy Birthday Mark, I love you!
Haha, it doesn’t matter. And thank you, it was nice chatting with you too! :)
afraid of conflicts
that is probably what i am
all these fucking labels
why do you have to categorize everything and everyone?
she’s ugly, he’s insecure, she’s disrespectful, he’s a coward, she’s a whore, he’s a faggot, she’s too skinny, he’s fat, she’s shy, he’s dumb etc.
everyone is divided into different categories
every person has their own little place
but you don’t have any say in what category you are in
and if you do say something
everything gets ten times worse
all these fucking labels
all these fucking preconceptions
get to know people sometime
before you judge them
if you only knew the hell some people go through
this categorization does not make anything better
the opposite
people get hurt
get scarred for life
it does things to you
you don’t have the strength to stand up against it anymore
so you receive
you let it all in
you give in
you start to believe the words
because it’s the words that hurt
imagine
one little word can change everything
snap
gone
everything you have ever felt disappears
and all that is left is
emptiness
loneliness
pain
There is no exact moment of when it all began but there is a person. A girl. I met her the first time when I was six years old and was about to leave kindergarten and start school for the first time. She was one of the few in my new class who i had never met before. From the first grade until the sixth grade she was one of those who picked on me. I had always been picked on one way or another ever since kindergarten but this was different. It was almost as if she chose me. I think she saw something in me, a moment of vulnerability or perhaps even weakness, that kind of showed her that i was not someone who was able to fight back, which was true. I did not have the strength or the ability to fight back and to stand up for myself although i tried. Believe me I tried. But the fact that i knew that she had an ability to make people stand on her side and fight with her, and the fact that I didn’t and never would have was what made me almost give up. It came to the point where I saw no point in fighting back, because it never led to anything but more pain. Of course there were other people, there always is, I mean, you can not go through life without fighting with someone, especially when you are in that age. But she was something more than that. She tore me apart. By the time I started seventh grade in a new class where I only knew half of the students, I was basically an emotional wreck. I was so insecure that I hid in the school’s bathrooms during the breaks and always followed someone around because I was terrified of being alone, especially of other people knowing that I was alone. The few friends I had left all disappeared one after the other until there was only one person left. She meant the world to me. During the summer holidays when I was about to start the eighth grade she and I had started to drift apart and eventually stopped talking to each other. Now she won’t even look at me and I don’t know why. A little over six months ago was the first time in over a year and a half that I did something with someone. We studied for a test we had the next day and it was not very fun but for me it meant everything. Then I went out for coffee with a girl twice and it was really nice and I really like her. I’ve shared things with her that only my diary knows and she has shared some pretty personal stuff too but I have a hard time believing it could be anything other than that. I’ve also gone out for coffee and shopping with another girl four times and last weekend she slept over. I think it has been about three years since the last time someone slept over at my house or I slept over at someone’s house. The first time I ever cried out of happiness was in the beginning of the darkest time when another girl and I decided to do something after school. Of course it was very boring because we hardly knew each other anymore, but it made me think that maybe there was a chance. For a brief moment I thought that maybe there was a way out of the loneliness. There wasn’t. During those years of loneliness, the only people I was surrounded with was my family and there isn’t enough words for just how much I love them. I owe them everything. During those hard years, they and music was the only thing that kept me going. Now I see a way out. I see “the light at the end of the tunnel” as the expression goes. I now know that things does get better and that when things gets dark you just have to try to hold on to whatever light there is, whether it’s music, your family, art or whatever doesn’t matter. Just try to find something and you will be okay. I know that it’s incredibly hard to believe that when all you feel is pain but you have to try. And you can never give up because the moment you do, you are truly lost. And few recover from being truly lost, so never ever give up!
i’ll die soon
tomorrow
now
i’m disappearing
i’m here
alive
but i’m not living
i’m disappearing
withering
withering heights
brokeback graveyard
i’ll disappear into the night
i’ll leave you behind
like you left me
i’ll wither
fade away
slowly decompose
into
you
swim with me
or i’ll drown
fly with me
or i’ll fall
you know that
you know me
right?
don’t be afraid
it’s okay
there hides a full moon behind every crescent
below the surface everything’s like it’s always been
like it always will be
don’t be afraid
there is nothing in the world that is dangerous
everything is relative
bang
a gunshot
did you forget your armor
typical
don’t be afraid
you’ll be okay
bang
the gunshot missed the heart
don’t be afraid
you are alive
you are here
you’ll be okay
bang
damn
don’t be afraid
your skin is still intact
you are still you
you have changed
but there hides a full moon behind every crescent,
remember?
don’t be afraid
bang
everything is relative,
isn’t it?
-likeaflowerinthesnow.blogspot.com
“can you feel it?”
“feel what?”
“the wind”, she said.
“it’s everywhere. it’s in our souls. it’s what we breathe, what we sleep. it’s what lives inside us, what keeps us alive. it’s pure life.
you can’t feel it?”
“no. all i feel is pain. it’s all i’ve ever felt.”, he answered.
she looked at him and slowly lowered her hand towards his. right before her hand touched his she hesitated, as if the world were about to fall upon her. she lowered her hand just enough for her fingertips to meet his and asked him;
“what do you feel now”
“you”, he answered.
and the whole world fell.
